The 83rd Annual Academy Awards

Last night all eyes turned to what some call Hollywood's biggest night, and what I will call a reason to feel good about ordering in and opening wine with my mother, who has cable, and is equally as snarky as I. The 83rd Academy Awards finally gave ABC a purpose to exist as a network and paraded stars, their spouses, and wanna-be's of both down what Justin Timblerlake called "the Magenta carpet". Thanks JT! After hearing years of your overproduced 'music', its nice to see you now have a knack for truth telling & accuracy.  Speaking of which, lets dig in. 

There were some decisions made last night that I really do have to call into question: 

1. Who keeps letting Gwyneth Paltrow sing? 

2. Why was "The Kids Are Alright" an oscar nominated movie? While I love Mark Ruffalo, I don't see how a movie that would have been chocked up to a chick flick had the protagonists been hetero, is now worthy of an Academy Award. It pains me to say this after falling out of love with Anne Hathaway last night, but whoever wrote for her put it best, "it was a great year for lesbians". 

3. Whose idea was it to have Kirk Douglas, stroke victim on cane, present an award? Is he old? Is he autistic? Needless to say, it was uncomfortable. If he could, at the end of the show I think Kirk would say what Melissa Leo did upon her Best Supporting Actress acceptance, "everyone else makes this look so fucking easy".  I love Kirk Douglas, but the only thing more awkward I've ever seen at an awards show was that Golden Globes where they kept panning to Temple Grandin and that one time Halle Berry went on a crusade for colored women as they did close ups on her white-bread mom. In any case, both Kirk and Anne Hathaway should have recognized their abilities and said "Thanks for the honor, but no".  

And for my biggest gripe of all;  Anne Hathaway and James Franco? Was Charlie Sheen busy! For anyone who says anything redeeming about the pair [who will look back at this and fire their managers]; were you stoned? Because I'd put money down that James Franco was. I know a pole smoker pot smoker when I smell one, he was higher then the Academy was when they decided to validate The Social Network as a movie. I must thank James for two things though, last night I got a contact high through my television, and until James Franco I didn't know that you could introduce Oscars presenters condescendingly, so thanks for that! Maybe in his next movie they'll have him saw off his tongue.  As for Anne, while she was in way above her head, at least she came sober - nice girl, hardly entertaining - the pair produced a snoozefest. Anyone who needs proof that last nights oscar hosts were anything more than lackluster can look to the quality boost during Billy Crystal and Bob Hopes mere 5 minutes. I never thought I'd say this, but last night I missed a Baldwin brother.

Melissa Leo's award was well deserved. While the Academy may never grant her airtime again, I am truly happy when good craftmanship wins. Along those lines, cheers to Colin Firth, Christian Bale, The Kings Speech and the audio/visual/editing teams of Inception, Alice in Wonderland's costume designer and Natalie Portman. It was a great night for so many stars, but lets be honest, I don't really care so much about their achievements as I do their outfits. There were some stunning gowns. That new girl Jennifer something from Winters Bone [what I'm lovingly calling Precious for white people] looked gorgeous. Hilary Swank, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Mila Kunis and my ♥ Celine brought it! Mellissa Leo looked great - I have to say, there were only a few dress disasters, Scarlett Johanson much? At this point she should be used to flops, but really?  That hair is what happens when your career falls to sexual favors for red carpet access.  

All in all, good night. Congrats to the winners. I still think Jeffrey Rush got cheated. I've come to terms that I will never win an Oscar unless I inherit a role with a speech impediment or same-sex orientation, or they make a movie based on Twitter.